Probed
by Juliette Louise
Summary: The whole crew only seems to have one thing on the brain. Since when did the Normandy become the Love Boat? Includes: smutty Hanar magazines and Drell-licking.


_Since my first Mass Effect 2 effort ("The Sea") was such a colossal downer, I thought I'd write something light-hearted. Please R&R, as always! :)_

* * *

"Probe launched." EDI said.

Shepard looked mournfully into her empty coffee cup, but kept scanning.

"Probe away." EDI said.

Shepard drummed her fingers on the surface of the desk with her off-hand, stifling a yawn.

"Launching probe." EDI said.

Shepard leaned back into her chair, sighing exasperatedly and pushing away from the desk.

"Do you find this as dull as I do, EDI?" She said into the air.

As always, EDI's blue, globular interface appeared when she was being spoken to. Out of habit, Shepard turned to face it, even though EDI's actual location was somewhere in a closet a few decks below her.

"On the contrary, Shepard. At the moment, I am performing a complex set of calculations for Professor Mordin, scanning the FTL drive for irregularities, and playing strip-poker with Mr. Moreau."

Shepard sat up. Joker was off-duty, but generally hung out in the cockpit even in his free time. The idea of him taking his clothes off somewhere other than his quarters was a bit frightening.

"_Strip_-poker?"

"Mr. Moreau claims that it is the highest form of the game."

"He would. I just...ah, how exactly does a AI strip?"

"I have created a human avatar on the main view screen."

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose, leaning back again. She wanted more coffee, but she also wanted to stay in her cabin...where it was safe.

"Let's put this on hold, EDI. I'm heading to the mess for a bit."

"Of course, Shepard. Logging you out." EDI's interface disappeared.

She stood and stretched, and a few vertebrae popped in an unpleasant way. She'd been in that chair for a _long time_, but improvements to the Normandy were terribly expensive, and the Illusive Man wasn't about to fork out.

But she was seeing mineral scans when she closed her eyes, and, of course, she was out of coffee. Shepard grabbed her empty mug, and headed for the elevator.

-

Shepard rounded the corner and entered the mess hall. To her surprise, it wasn't empty, despite the late hour. Garrus and Kelly Chambers were sitting at a table by the beverages station, cackling like old women. Garrus had his feet kicked up onto another chair, arms crossed. Kelly was stirring her drink.

The sounds of their laughter pulled Shepard's lips into a smile.

"What's all the hilarity about?" She said, skirting their table and looking for coffee that looked semi-fresh.

"Oh! Shepard!" Kelly fanned her face with one hand, still giggling.

Shepard looked over her shoulder at them. Kelly had some book or magazine in her lap.

Garrus spoke first. "It's nothing. A piece of, ah, literature someone picked up on Omega."

"Literature?" She asked cautiously, searching now for a splash of milk.

"It's a dirty magazine," Kelly said, trying hard to sound disapproving.

Shepard's laughter came out as a snort. "A _hilariously_ dirty magazine?"

She turned around and Kelly held up the item in question. Its glossy cover featured a Hanar in a very...compromising position.

"Oh. Oh my." Shepard said, arching one eyebrow and stirring her coffee, open-mouthed. "What is it...doing?"

"What _isn't_ it doing!" Garrus said, throwing his hands up in the air. He and Kelly dissolved into another fit of laughter.

"Did someone put something into the air-ducts tonight? Everyone has sex on the brain."

"I think there's a picture of that in here..." Garrus muttered, leafing through the magazine.

"Seen the magazine. Very dangerous. Terribly disreputable." Professor Mordin appeared. Was everyone on the ship awake and reading the same smutty book?

Shepard leaned against the counter of the bev station, sipping her coffee.

"How can a dirty magazine be dangerous, Mordin?" She said, watching as he looked through the cabinets for a palatable beverage.

"Portrays dangerous acts. Examples: Hanar have stinging nematocysts. Dangerous for Humans to ingest Turian bodily fluids. Anaphilaxis likely outcome of Quarian interspecies mating. Irresponsible to show such."

"Good point." Shepard said, moving to look for a snack in one of the refrigeration units.

"On this topic: Noticed you with Thane. Feel I should warn you. Human oral contact with Drell epidermis causes mild psychotropic effects. Brochures about safe interspecies coupling in med lab. Very informative!"

Shepard stiffened. Her head was inside the 'fridge, and she could still feel Kelly and Garrus looking at her.

"Oh, I see! _We're_ the sex-obsessed ones here!" Kelly shouted.

Shepard was hoping that maybe the cool air in the 'fridge would remove an incriminating blush.

She turned, a muffin in hand.

"I'll keep that in mind, Professor, thank you for the information." She said very, very quietly.

Mordin smiled graciously. "Here to help." He declared, and left, going back to whatever it was he was doing in the lab.

Garrus and Kelly were staring at her open-mouthed.

"And you claimed to be unimpressed by all the smooth moves and the voice." Kelly crossed her arms over her chest.

"Yeah, Shepard. There are easier ways to get a buzz than licking that poor Drell." Garrus said, smirking.

No muffin was worth this. Shepard was trying to think of a way to extricate herself from this disaster.

"I...I have to go. Check on Joker. He's having trouble with the ship's...something. Goodnight."

-

Shepard started down the long run-way to the cockpit, and stopped momentarily to gather some of her battered dignity.

"I'll see that, and raise you...twenty." Joker's voice said from ahead. She could only see the top of his head over the high-backed pilots chair. Beyond him, EDI's "human avatar" was huge on the viewscreen. She was currently appearing as a buxom red-head with very little clothing on.

Ah yes, the poker game.

"All right, Mr. Moreau. I call."

"Hey, Joker. How are things in the..."

Joker wheeled around in his chair. Her eyes went from him to the pile of his clothing on the floor. He had his trade-mark baseball cap covering his lap, but otherwise was in a total state of undress.

"...Oh dear. How did this happen, Joker?" She said, desperation creeping into her voice.

"Ah, Commander. Well, I am playing against a highly-advanced AI." Joker cleared his throat. EDI maintained what was probably an embarrassed silence.

"I...I have to go. I...just have to go." Shepard said, and retreated for the safety of her cabin.

-

Shepard settled back into her office chair, hard-won coffee on the desk beside her.

"Ok, EDI. Let's get back to the prospecting."

"Of course, Shepard." EDI said.

"How's the game with Joker going?" Shepard asked, now that she was a safe distance away.

"He lost." EDI said simply.

"Ah. Anyway. Continue."

Talis Fia reappeared on her computer screen, and she resumed scan.

"Probe away." EDI said.

Looking around furtively, Shepard opened a drawer and pulled out one of Mordin's "informative tracts" about Drell physiology.

"Probe launched."

"Good job, EDI." Shepard said.


End file.
